im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize