This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
