He asked to "fluff my boner.."
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
