barbara walters just said penis...
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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