So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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