In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Randomize
