and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
