did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
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