every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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