I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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