I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
