i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
