Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
