I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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