So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
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