Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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