I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
