can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
