As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
BRING THE BAGELS
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
