we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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