She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
