I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
