I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
