When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
