onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
