I love having hate sex.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Randomize
