Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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