a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
