Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I need moral support for this bender
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
