I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
