Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Randomize
