I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
