I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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