I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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