My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
Randomize
