someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
