I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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