I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
