So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
