if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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