ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
