Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
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