I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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