I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
