Have fun with your cool freestyling girlfriend!
She can rap better than you any day
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
