Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
