he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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