I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
