a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
