i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
