I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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