I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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