You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
