Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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