The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
