When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Randomize
