I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
my being single is dangerous.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
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