I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
