I feel like I'm in dance class right now
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Randomize
