I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
