Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
