Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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