You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
you traded sex for a burrito?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
