I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
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