my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
