You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
I lost my cyber virginity to a guy I barely knew in high school while a Togepi Plushie watched.
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