I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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